Dive into the PUSH Podcast's latest episode where we explore the art of maintaining the spark in relationships amidst life's changes. Discover why attraction is more than just physical, with insights on the power of confidence, communication, and empathy. Learn the importance of personal growth, setting boundaries, and the unexpected ways these elements fuel desire. Join us for a mix of humor, personal anecdotes, and expert advice, providing you with the keys to keep your relationship vibrant and captivating.
Get ready for a sizzling episode of the PUSH Podcast where we dive deep into the art of keeping the spark alive in relationships, no matter what life throws your way. This episode is all about understanding that allure goes beyond the surface - it's the twinkle in your eye, the swagger in your step, and the allure of your actions that make hearts beat faster. We unwrap the secrets of remaining irresistible after major life changes, like becoming a parent, and how to keep the romance sizzling.
We're not shy about the essentials either - communication and empathy take center stage as we explore how to evolve together rather than apart. Single or taken, we've got something for everyone, emphasizing how personal development, from staying fresh to staying fit, plays a pivotal role in upping your charm game.
And because we love to mix enlightenment with entertainment, we dive into the delicate dance of setting boundaries and why a little mystery can make you even more desirable. Plus, don't miss out on the laughs and revelations as we tackle a game of hypotheticals, showcasing the many shades of attraction.
With a blend of personal stories and expert advice, we lay down the ultimate guide to keeping your relationship as exhilarating and passionate as day one. Tune in for an episode that's not just thought-provoking but bursting with tips and tales to keep you and your loved ones thoroughly enchanted.
(00:00) Attractiveness Without Losing Yourself
Attractiveness in relationships, comfort vs. sexiness, pajama attire, remaining true to oneself while being attractive to partner.
(06:08) Maintaining Attraction in Relationships
Maintaining physical attraction, open communication, and empathy are crucial for keeping the spark alive in long-term relationships.
(11:31) Attractiveness and Self-Improvement
Appearance assumptions, hygiene's impact on health and attractiveness, exercise's effect on confidence, and the role of scent.
(22:57) Keys to Attraction and Self-Worth
Attraction is influenced by ambition, personal growth, self-awareness, and qualities beyond physical appearance.
(28:03) Attraction, Confidence, and Relationships
Attraction, self-worth, humor, confidence, personal qualities, hygiene, positivity, communication, 'bad boy' allure, 'big dick energy', complex decisions in relationships.
(34:52) Importance of Boundaries in Relationships
Maintaining attractiveness, setting boundaries, and avoiding complacency can enhance long-term relationships.
(47:35) Relationship Red Flags and Positive Traits
Pitfalls in relationships: close-mindedness, dishonesty, selfishness, lack of confidence, poor communication, negativity, hygiene, and the importance of appreciating partners' passions.
(51:30) Building and Maintaining Attraction in Relationships
Maintaining attraction and desire in long-term relationships through seeing each other excel, emotional connection, intellectual engagement, and physical affection.
Check out Esther Perel’s- Where Should we begin Game of Stories Conversation Cards for Couples, Friends, & Co-workers.
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00:00 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Hey guys, welcome back to the push podcast. I'm Janelle Copeland. Why does it sound?
00:05 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
like you're just talking in slow motion.
00:06 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I am, you are.
00:08 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, Hi guys welcome.
00:10 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Dry eyes. Dry eyes, water eyes.
00:13 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Okay, jump in. Jump in. All right, I want to ask you a question.
00:17 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Oh God, this is important.
00:19 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Okay, okay, and everyone wants to know, all right. So do you find me more attractive or less attractive If I wear full on pajamas or your classic kind of shorts and a tank top, right Well, your version of classic shorts and a tank top is not what everybody else might be thinking. Okay, what do you mean?
00:49 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
You have shorts that you've had for about 25 years, oh.
00:52 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I do, but they're comfortable. They are comfortable and I get it Right.
00:57 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
And when we became empty nesters in September I was like maybe I'll start like wearing a nice little nightgown or something.
01:03 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
01:04 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Like, maybe I'll turn on the sexy. And then I was like but it's cold and sometimes I get so cold I need to sleep with like a hoodie on.
01:12 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
01:14 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
And so I think we choose comfort over sexiness at night.
01:18 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Okay.
01:19 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
So if you're saying that you want to switch up what you wear at night, right. Is that what you're asking?
01:25 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
No, I'm just asking, like if I wore like a head to toe matching pajama set, is that attractive, right, Well?
01:34 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I have a feeling when you say head to toe matching pajama set, you're thinking of like flannel pajamas you wear.
01:41 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
No, I'm talking about you Cabin for a sleepover with other couples there and you're like, fully covered. Okay, that's not sexy to me at all. Okay, but what about? Like the button up? Look Like the button up?
01:52 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
No, that screams cabin and comfort and warmth.
01:55 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
No, okay, what if it's like a satin button up?
01:59 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Like a button up.
02:00 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, like you know, okay, so here's the thing. Like when you watch like any type of sitcom television show. The dad is always in like a full, like anytime. There's like a scene where his nighttime they're in a full, on pajama suit, Like it's like a pajama suit.
02:18 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
It's like a button up right. Okay, Pants. And I asked you which dad and you said Uncle Phil he had.
02:24 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
He had an uncle Phil. Um, you know, obviously he's canceled, but Bill Cosby, full on, you know. Pajama suit.
02:31 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Okay, right, these are prestigious, like well, the list, the list goes on.
02:38 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I just, it's just an interesting thing, Like how many men actually wear full pajamas to bed? Like when you're a kid, the girls used to wear pajamas every night. They would take a shower and they put pajamas on. They were like long, long sleeves, long pants, and then I don't know what what age t-shirts Right?
02:57 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I don't know what right.
02:59 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I don't know what age that happened, because it was like go put your pajamas on Right, and then they went to like not putting your pajamas on to you.
03:06 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
But when I say, are you going to put your pajamas on, you put on your tank top and shorts.
03:11 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right, but it's not pajamas. It's just they're your pajamas, right, but they're what I were to bet.
03:16 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
The point of this is what that you want to be sexier for me at night.
03:19 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
No, I'm just saying yeah. Do you find that like if I started to switch it up and we're full, I'll be hot, but does it look good to you?
03:28 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Well, first of all, if your goal is to try to be sexier, for me at night. It's not. It's not what you're wearing and it's not what you think pajamas are.
03:38 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Okay, so there's nothing to do with that.
03:39 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
So either of those should be like canceled.
03:40 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Okay, all right, I'm just curious.
03:44 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I think if we wanted to be sexier, we would just like start sleeping nude together.
03:46 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Well, it's interesting that there's. There's like garments and clothing for women to like nightgowns, to look sexy right. But there's no, men pajamas that are like oh, he looks good in those pajamas, right.
04:04 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I think people would say like satin, like shorts or boxers or something like some silk shorts? No way, I mean like, if you're going to wear pajamas, I think they should be shorts First of all okay, or even like pajama bottoms.
04:17 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, right.
04:18 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Those are nice and slippery. That's great.
04:20 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Okay, is anything slippery?
04:23 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Anything like you could.
04:24 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I think slippery means sexy, okay, so satin satin, satin, scream sexy. Okay, so if I get a satin suit pajamas, you're all about it.
04:31 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
What is with you in the suit?
04:32 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Well, cause you button it up.
04:34 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I don't want the button up Okay. I've said that many times. Why are you insisting upon?
04:38 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
What would I wear as a shirt If it's a shirt, no shirt, that's not a full set.
04:43 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Okay, do what you want then, cause it sounds like this is all for you, not for me.
04:51 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Well, the the. The conversation of the day is about you know being attractive, or how do you make sure that in your relationship or maybe you're not in a relationship how do you become more attractive to? Your partner, and then in situations where you don't have a significant other. How do you become more attractive to the outside world without losing yourself?
05:14 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
So that's the caveat, okay, without losing yourself. So you're not implying that people go have like surgeries and stuff like that.
05:20 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
No, I'm not applying any of that, I mean what I'm saying is is that it's it's a fine line between like what we're, what we'll talk about, like how to become more attractive as a fine line between like becoming attractive because it's the right thing to do, and within there there's a bit of self improvement versus self improvement, Versus going too far, where you're waiting for the outside world to give you something that you're missing.
05:44 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Right.
05:45 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And I think that that is a is a a scary thing to go down that path.
05:49 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah.
05:50 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right. So we want to, I tread. We want to tread that line, you know. And on the razor's edge of the difference between hey, I want to really look good for you, but I can't rest my self-esteem at the doorstep of your approval. Okay. Right so you've been together for a long time Since Sure Okay.
06:08 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
This episode's about making yourself more attractive.
06:11 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
06:13 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
And that could be if you're single or if you have a partner, like us, we've been together over 20 years, right? So I still want to be pretty and sexy and like attractive for you.
06:24 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
06:26 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
But that's also because we've had conversations about that throughout our marriage, like and we made it very clear when we first got married like I married you because of certain things, it's your responsibility and my responsibility to maintain some of that. Some of that was physical attraction in the beginning, right, and so if you make yourself unattractive, then I think the the rule is it should be renegotiated.
06:51 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
06:52 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
But that's a touchy subject because I think that you know lots of things happen. I mean, obviously this is excluding, like sickness, illness like something you've gained and you've gained weight, something like that.
07:03
But women have babies. Our whole body's changed, right? You know, my sister recently had a baby and I was like telling her it's so hard. You know, right after you have a baby, your body doesn't feel like your own. Your hormones are raging, you've got milk coming out of your boobs, like it's the worst time, I think, to be sexy in your marriage Like I. There was just zero chance that. I wanted to be sexy while breast feeding and, like you know, my body's trying just ugh.
07:31 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
So that's a tough time, but that's an interesting thing, because that is comes down to you don't feel sexy or feel beautiful yourself.
07:39 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Right.
07:41 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
So you, I guess, remove yourself or you detach to a certain aspect of the relationship that may be physical.
07:48 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I think I mean looking back. I this is a whole another podcast conversation. Like I do think it's important to have a conversation for women that want to have kids but maybe haven't had kids yet. Like you should hear the real of what's going to happen to your body and like how you might feel after.
08:04
I don't think I had post postpartum depression, but, like now that I have several friends and sisters that have had kids right after, I think it's a form of postpartum depression where you're depressed about your body. You're depressed about not feeling yourself Like it felt, like my body didn't belong to myself. You know it's like now producing milk I've got a kid on who, by the way. My baby was 10 pounds and so I was constantly feeding her. The thought of you touching, like my boobs, or trying to be sexy with me, like it was disgusting to me.
08:37 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
08:38 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
And I couldn't understand why you didn't understand that my body wasn't for pleasure anymore, it was for like I'm keeping a human alive and it was just gross to me Like I was happy to do it for the baby but I just couldn't make myself like get into it for you.
08:55 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, I don't think I saw you the way you saw yourself, because I think that yeah, no, kidding, because you wanted to have sex and I was like, yeah, leave me alone please.
09:07 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
That's an episode for a whole nother day. We'll revisit that for sure. But I think this episode is like we have conversations all the time about how to still be attractive for each other and I think that a lot of people don't have those Like. In talking to friends and stuff, there's a lot of people that don't have. You feel like you're married, like he already loves me, so it's easy to gain weight, whatever, and that's all fine. We've been there too. But our rule is if you get fat, I get fat.
09:37
We get fit together, we get fat together and so we've done extremes bodybuilding competitions. We do that together. Okay, then we wanna binge on brownies? We do that together and so that's kind of our rule, but I think if you were single and you're listening to this podcast, I think there are some things you can do to make yourself more attractive and approachable, and they have nothing to do with looks, right.
10:03
And so I think, like I was telling you earlier, I think smiling is one of those things right, and it is on the list that we're gonna share with you today. But when I walk around and I'm smiling, making eye contact with people like I get hit on every time.
10:18 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
So then I'm like, okay, I'll cut that out.
10:21 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
But I know if I'm focused in my zone, I've got resting bitch face, no one's gonna mess with me. You just look unavailable, right. And so I have a girlfriend that's been single for a long time and I always tell her you probably walk through the grocery store, parking lots, the mall, just with your head down looking at your phone. You're not paying attention, because if you just would walk with your posture held high, your head held high, smile, make eye contact with people, people are bound to hit on you like that works. And so we did a bunch of research on how to make yourself irresistible or sexy or attractive, and one of the main ones is smile like, give off a good demeanor, and so yeah, tell me.
11:02 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
But I, yeah, I agree with you?
11:03 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Do you smile all?
11:04 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
day I do smile and I don't.
11:07 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Do you smile at women to where they take it the wrong way? I don't think so.
11:11 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I mean, I work in an environment where I smile at people. I think there's a smile and then there's a smile right, and so more of like the kind of like hi, what does your smile look like?
11:22 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
if you were interested though, I don't know, I don't know, do you tell me, because I look at you all the time like that.
11:30 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Well, what's interesting? Anytime I get hit on, the first thing people say is your wife must be beautiful, right? And like and I say she sure is.
11:41 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
That's the pickup line.
11:43 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I don't think that's a pickup line. I think that that's like.
11:46 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Oh, because they notice your wedding ring and then they say okay.
11:48 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right, right, like a lady.
11:50 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
It's kind of bad. A lady the other day said I was walking in. That's enough. I don't want to hear this. Okay, never mind, just kidding, go ahead tell me.
11:58 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And she said you're a gorgeous man, your family must be beautiful. And you said and I said family, what family? No, I was just no. I said absolutely, they are beautiful. But that's how I get hit on is like oh, I think my ring is noticeable. I think that women look for a ring.
12:23 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I'm assuming, because if that's, and then we make some slight comment, and then if you're like, oh, my wife passed away, then they're like, oh, it's on. Yeah, I want this guy. I'm like I don't care about my wedding rings.
12:35 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
But I think, when you think about some of the things, I don't think really quick.
12:39 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I don't think men care about wedding rings, because I got my ring on all the time. Really Savages and then you have to say hi.
12:47 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah.
12:49 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
And some guys are like, yeah, well, that isn't how long you've been married, like that doesn't really matter.
12:54 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
But before you were married, did you ever switch a ring over no, and make it seem like you were?
13:00 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Oh yes.
13:01 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, what made you do that?
13:03 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
If I didn't want to be bothered.
13:06 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Like you knew something was coming, and so you said you know what? Let me just switch things up, go from single to To.
13:13 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, really.
13:16 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And did it work.
13:17 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I mean, yeah, but my strategy is just like no eye contact, no eye contact. Act like I'm busy, just be in your zone, focus. You don't want to be bothered.
13:27 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, and then you only attract the ones that are daring enough to say something. And then you get a lousy line like why aren't you smiling?
13:36 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Oh, I hate that line. Yeah, you should smile.
13:39 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
You should smile. People would like to. I smile at my husband all the time. Let me tell you, yeah, so, oh, that's great.
13:44 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
OK, so let's get into this list on ways that you can make yourself irresistible.
13:48 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
OK and attractive, and then we're also going to talk about what makes you unattractive, because I think Should we start there? Maybe we should bounce back and forth. You want to do that? Ok, all right. So I'll start with the first one, because this is important.
14:01 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
OK.
14:02 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
So I think that this one is an obvious one, but I want to make sure people know, because I've got to add a little bit to this. Ok, so number one thing you can do to make yourself more attractive is to have good hygiene.
14:14 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Amen.
14:14 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right, and so grooming, cleanliness, all those kind of things, but I'm going to take it a little bit further. For me it's teeth.
14:23 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I was going to say teeth.
14:24 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Big deal for me If you have plaque buildup on your teeth. I'm out, yeah, 100%.
14:29 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
If you have bad stains on your teeth, I'm out 100%.
14:33 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
So I think that teeth that look like they've been flossed, they look like you go to the dentist I'm serious Like you go and you maintain your dental health All super important. And then also there's a lot of research. So for those who don't go to the dentist, who don't floss, who don't take care of their teeth.
14:50
there's a lot of research and a lot of studies showing that the plaque and the bacteria that's building up in your mouth is closely related to dementia and Alzheimer's. So, because of the free radicals released, because of the inflammation in your mouth, and so not only do you want to look good, but you want to keep your mind solid, take care of your teeth. But I also think that hygiene, like how you smell, all that kind of thing all those things are super important to overall attractiveness.
15:20 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I know some guys that wear a certain cologne that is so foul and unattractive, and it's also so loud, like it's so pungent, that it immediately gives me a headache. That's a deal breaker for me. Yeah, I think, but I don't think you know that, or you wouldn't put so much cologne on. Well, or you don't know, it's an offensive smell 100%, I think.
15:44 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
You think it smells good, so you think more of it is good effective.
15:49 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Right.
15:50 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And it's not Because actually that is actually on the list to decrease your attractiveness is overuse of perfumes or cologne. I agree, when people have too much of anything I get a headache, and if it's like cheap stuff, Like bath and body works. Yeah, and it's like I feel like you're covering up something. Oh gosh, Just joking, oh my god, what's another one Give?
16:13 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
just run through your list. Ok, so attractiveness All right.
16:17 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
So number two is exercise regularly, and so this is interesting, because everything that we've ever talked about as far as improving your life is about your health, but I think that there is something to be said about working on your physical appearance, but at the same time as your health, and one of the things I think you'll probably notice about being more attractive is it's really about your own self-improvement.
16:41 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Right.
16:41 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And so this is one of the first things that I would say is like, near-deer to your self-improvement is exercising regularly and having a disciplined approach to your health. I think that when you build muscle, it builds confidence, all these kind of things, but I think those things are important. All right, what? Else you got All right. Number three wear red.
17:04 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
That's stupid.
17:05 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Sorry.
17:06 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
No, that's dumb. Is it start?
17:08 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Oh serious, so there's research that's shown that both men and women perceive as attractive as when wearing red and possibly associates with status and fertility.
17:19 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
If you wear red to target, I immediately think you're an employee and you shouldn't.
17:23 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I think the environment matters, but I think that if you were to ask men and have women line up which is really demeaning to me but if you just had a line up and you put one woman in a red dress, yeah, it stands out.
17:39
It stands out and all the eyes go there Because it just does something. I think this is where the science piece picks up, because I think that, as we go through this list, some of this is science and some of this is going to be societal, and so, as society, norms dictate what beauty looks like or what it is, that's something we have to deal with as well. The other part is what we talked about is having a genuine smile. The next one I think is super important is cultivate a sense of humor, and so good sense of humor is highly attractive trait. I think that what you'll probably find is people who are not very attractive, that are really funny, can be very attractive.
18:21 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, that's how you got me. But you're attractive. But I mean, yeah, I'm a sucker for humor. I think it's a very attractive trait.
18:32 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
You know why. Humor is something that people are attracted to.
18:35 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Probably because it's a feel good hormone that's stimulated. But one of the things I love about you, you have the funniest laugh. Some people have a genuine good laugh. Some people laugh crazy, but you have a laugh that when you laugh really hard it makes me laugh even harder and it's just a feel good laugh. Oh, that's good Thank you, so I'm attracted to your laugh.
18:58 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Thank you, but you know the science to the humor, so the humor part is about. It indicates intelligence and social abdeptness.
19:11 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I don't think that's true.
19:12 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Well, you may not think it's true, but it's science. So, humor is the ability to take something of normalcy in your life and make it more exaggerated, and so it takes a level of intelligence to do that. That's why I say that comedians are extremely smart, because they have the ability to take all of life's norms and make it more funny or highlighted or spotlighted in a way that you probably never thought about it.
19:39 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, that makes sense.
19:41 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
The next thing is engaging in confidence-building activities, and so, at the end of the day, people with confidence that exude a certain level of presence have a high level of attractiveness.
19:56 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
So what would be a confidence-boosting activity? I mean, I think in the past. We live in Los Angeles. There's like stairs at Santa Monica. You run the stairs at Santa Monica. There's always hot people there. So I think physical exertion at the gym, things like that. Other than that, what else?
20:18 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I think that for yourself when you take on challenges. So you talked about exercising, but maybe it's something in business, maybe it's entrepreneur type of thing, where you're constantly taking on risks that build up your self-image and your self-esteem within yourself which I think helps you exude confidence that you are capable of doing things. When you meet someone that you don't know much about, but they come across as extremely capable, it's pretty attractive, and so the other one is a positive attitude, and so people like to be around people that are positive.
20:55 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, no shit. If you're the negative Nancy of the office, no one's going to holler at you, girl. If you are, you know, friggin unpleasant Pam I don't know what her name would be, but she's just always looking at the negative. You know, pessimistic approach to life is her choice. I think there's nothing attractive about that.
21:19 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And this is the big one cause I think that you can be gorgeous drop dead like yourself, right?
21:27 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I love you thanks.
21:28 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And. But if everything out of your mouth is negative, like there's no overcoming that, yeah. Right, because if I can't tolerate you, it just reduces the attractiveness.
21:38 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I think your outlook on the world matters too.
21:41 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
21:41 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Like, if you're like, ah, the world's such a terrible place, people are so mean. Like, if you're constantly talking like that, that's a no, that's a deal breaker for me.
21:49 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right. So, and then the next one is compassion and kindness. I think you know altruistic behaviors, people who give, I think, exude a level of attractiveness because I think it shows that they have good character in the. It's a partnership of qualities, because so this kind of taps into the science piece. You feel like if someone is willing to you know. You hear it all the time. For example, I thought this person was attractive cause they said hello to even the janitor or like they knew everybody's name, Like they just a person that like had a level of compassion.
22:23 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Women are definitely like we will fall in love with a guy If he's like kind to someone else. Like you hear women all the time he's such a good dad. Women are never, like you know, guys, I don't think say, oh, she's such a great mom, like that's such a great quality.
22:37 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
22:38 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
But women are definitely attracted to kind men, chivalrous men, like if you treat your mother really well, like it's attractive.
22:48 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
22:49 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
You treated your mom well. I was like okay points, and she liked you back. That was good 100%.
22:55 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, that's good. So this one, I think you would agree with a lot Pursue your passions. So a mission driven person, someone that is going after things, has ambition. That is a high level of attractiveness that you can have.
23:12 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, I think if you're meeting someone like in a grocery store, though you have no clue, but though I would definitely be asking questions to see like what you did for a living and like what you like to do for fun, and if it's not some sort of like chasing something, working towards something, ambition of some sort big dreams, I'm a deal breaker for you.
23:36 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And then now I'm going to say it, I've just straightened my posture, good posture.
23:41
Good posture, that was the one thing I remember not one thing, but one of the many things I saw of you and you early on, you got amazing posture, thank you, right, and good teeth, yeah. So those are the kind of 10 things. I don't know if you have some things that you wanted to add to that, but I really looked at all of those things and I said, man, those are like just regular personal development things that you'd want to do for yourself, I think if you listen to the push podcast, then you're already pretty attractive.
24:11 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I mean, honestly, you're listening to a podcast it's helping you grow.
24:14
It's helping you change your perspective. It's helping you like the last few episodes be healthy. It's helping you understand you know how to take care of everything. We talk about money, we talk about being a good parent, a good partner, and so I think if you listen to this podcast, you're already, by association, pretty attractive.
24:32
But I think some you know I asked, like Google, how much does physical appearance like serve as a first point of attraction, like, how much does it play into if someone's attracted to you? And it does say that you know there's visual cues that someone would give off, but it definitely influences your initial interest or desire to initiate contact with someone based on appearance, right. But then there's biological factors too, which kind of goes back to the science of it, and there are certain physical features that are universally found to be attractive across different cultures, including signs of health, fertility and genetic fitness, and so I think some people could say, well, I'm not a size zero, so that makes me unattractive to you, like you know, with compared to societal standards, but I don't think anyone's expecting you to be skinny. I think that it is a sign of fertility and someone that someone wants to mate or be intimate with when someone has a certain level of physical I guess physical appearance like fitness right.
25:42
So I don't think you have to be super hot and in shape with a great body, but then, like we were also talking about, well, what if you didn't have a beautiful or attractive face or hair or something, but if you had a great body, that's points for a guy, right, and so I think that we would be lying if we said that there wasn't a physical attraction. That usually sparks some sort of initial approach, but that's not all there is to it, right? And so I think for me, like personal values and preferences, like knowing what you want and what you stand for, I think a lot of people don't do that work. Like we heard TD Jakes, he's a pastor.
26:23
He said people want a date, they're looking for a soul mate. They don't know how to date themselves. You don't know enough about yourself to be going out on a date, trying to get to know someone else. And so I think about having career aspirations, continuing to educate yourself, like do you find joy with alone time, do you have good relationships and partnerships that are not intimate ones with other people those things are all admirable and I think you need to have that in order before you can be attractive to someone else.
26:58 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah.
26:59 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Another one I think we talked about like emotional connection, so qualities like kindness, intelligence, humor, all of that stuff I definitely agree with. But it greatly increases and enhances someone's attractiveness, right, and I think that those things far surpass the importance of physical looks.
27:19 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, so when you were mentioning some of these things, I was thinking about, like we talked about confidence, but when someone doesn't have a sense of self-worth, right how that plays out in a relationship, how that plays out when you're trying to find someone, right? Because I think that when you get a feeling that someone doesn't necessarily love themselves or value themselves, I think it reduces their attractiveness, right, and then that perpetuates things, because then they feel like, well, I don't have a lot of self-worth and then I also am having a tough time dating because people don't find me attractive, whatever their perception of that, and it just seems like it was spiral someone right.
28:03
And have you ever dated someone that really struggled with like their own self-worth?
28:08 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
No, but in, on the other hand, the complete opposite spectrum.
28:12
I've dated someone that was completely delusional of like his looks, but his humor completely overshadowed everything. I was like, bro, do you know, you're not attractive, but it didn't matter, because he was so funny and so confident, and so there were lots of women that were attracted to him. So I think that you have a better chance if you check all the other boxes but you're not the most attractive. I think you have a way better chance of finding multiple partners if that's what you're into than if you were to be like him and in ha and kind of feeling like, whether a man or a woman, god, I didn't get the pretty long hair, I didn't get the big boobs, I didn't get the luscious goatee or whatever. I think that there's a certain way that you carry yourself again good posture, smiling, inviting, having a good demeanor, a positive outlook, knowing that you're attracting everything that belongs to you or should come to you. That's pretty magnetizing, and so I think that you can easily attract people if you put out the right vibes.
29:22 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
That's interesting because you hear that term. This person's magnetic right, and whatever that means, is something they're doing inside that makes people want them from the outside, and so I think that, but I think there's a sense of, especially in a relationship. There has to be a motivation to wanna be attractive.
29:44 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, and I'll tell you the things like. Here's a quick list lack of hygiene, negativity, poor communication skills. Poor communication skills out right. So if you're overly quiet, you're a super big introvert and you put yourself in the corner. You don't like to talk. No one's coming to save you, like you have to find a way to put yourself in the mix. Lack of confidence again, while ignorance is a turn off, the extreme is also if you're too confident, then that's awful right.
30:18 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
But lack of confidence.
30:20 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, so there's a difference in lack of confidence and cockiness, obviously, but people are generally attracted to those who are secure with themselves, without being overbearing. So I don't like people who are the life of the party I feel like you're trying too hard but someone who's subtly confident and just in their own skin, in their own. Again, I'm just smiling and having a good time being positive. But if I run into a guy, if I'm single and he's talking shit about the host of the party and we're here, why are you doing that? Why are you here then? So I think you have to take that into consideration.
30:59 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
So when you think about so, say that's the case, right, Because you see that some women are attracted to the bad boy right or the edgy person right, the one that is kind of dangerous. He's still sexy though. So what is he still?
31:13 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
has a certain amount of confidence. That's like, yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna be the only girl that he's sleeping with this week, but he's probably got some swagger. He's probably. He thinks pretty highly of himself. What did Kim Kardashian say? It's BDE, big dick energy. That's what you need. You need some BDE.
31:34
And women can have that too, where it's like, oh my God. One of my friends just sent me this clip on Instagram which she said something about magical pussy. I was like, what did you send me? But I think if you acted like you had BDE or a magical, you know what? I think it attracts people.
31:56 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
But when is it where off? It's just an energy. When is that where off?
32:01 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
For women, probably menopausal age. What do you mean?
32:05 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
So you meet someone, they seem a little dangerous but, at the same time, they have some of the things that you would say are not the most attractive, but the mysteriousness in them, the danger within that person makes them really sexy, but in a relationship yeah, that's when you have a one night stand. You don't try to like what was I saying in a relationship when is that where off?
32:28 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Quickly. You asked me a question the other day. You said okay, you have to pick one of these three. It was the worst, like what if that we have ever played? You said okay, here are your options. Number one you have to pick a man. Okay, so the man number one. He's got a history of being abusive with ex-partners. Okay, out no.
32:52 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And then your second one was he's got 15 kids and 15 baby mamas.
32:58 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah out, no, okay. And the third one was what was the? Third one it was awful. The third one was Something about like he had no motivation or he was unemployed, or what did you say?
33:13 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, let's just say he can't keep a job.
33:16 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Can't keep a job like oh my God, his resume is so long right. Yeah, no, no, no and no to all of that.
33:23 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
But you had to pick one.
33:24 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, no. So I had you kept pressuring me and I was like I don't want to date someone with 15 baby mamas.
33:30 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Tell the people who you picked.
33:31 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I don't want to date an abuser and I don't want to date someone that has no fricking stability and is gonna be expecting me to maybe take care of him.
33:42 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I don't know how his husband All right. So my wife so.
33:45 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I said you say it. You say it Either way. You forced me to pick one.
33:51 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
33:52 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
So if I had to pick one, she picked Ike Turner. I did, and here's why I was like, okay. So he roughed up his girlfriend in the past.
34:03 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
She started like maybe she got a little lippy. I did not say that.
34:06 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
But I was like, yeah, I think I could get myself out of that, I would choose that. And then if he came close to me and tried I would be like you better just kill me now, because you're not gonna get out of this.
34:17 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, you said it, you had set an expectation, and that will solve things.
34:22 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, and it probably won't. But again, you made me pick out of three horrific scenarios. Guy with the 15 kids, you're out, I'm not trying to meet 15 baby mamas and remember 15 different birthdays and planned parties for kids that aren't mine. No, thank you, absolutely not. No.
34:43 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Don't take the abuser. But so I just think it's so interesting because I think that when you hear the nice guys finish laughs.
34:52 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I don't think that that's true at all.
34:54 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
What do you mean? Tell me more about that.
34:55 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I don't think that that's true at all. Like a nice guy, you're a nice guy.
34:59 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I think you're winning in life.
35:00 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I'm a kind person, but you're kind, you're a nice guy, you're very caring, you're considerate, everything about you is a nice guy. But there's still an edge to you that I like, like. I think maybe there is some truth to that. I think if you're a complete pushover and you're just like naive all the time, yeah, then that maybe you're going to get taken advantage of.
35:24 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
35:24 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
But I think everybody needs a little edge, like there's like a boundary of don't fuck with me, pass this point. And then, if you do, you fuck around and find out. Like I think everybody likes to see that side of someone come out like, oh, they do have boundaries. So I think that boundaries are attractive.
35:41 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
That's good. Yeah, because I think to me I have clear boundaries that I know in my heart of hearts that's when someone crosses that there may be a point of no return, right.
35:53 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
And you know, I think one of the reasons that makes me attractive for you is, you know, there's certain things I'm not going to tolerate from you. So either don't act like that, don't do that, and then you won't have to find out, or I dare you try.
36:11 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
So boundaries are a good thing.
36:12 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I think boundaries are great.
36:14 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
OK, so that's good, because I think when, if someone's listening to this right now and they're in a relationship, and they're struggling with the relationship as a whole, or maybe they just want to avoid struggling with it. They like they understand that the value of your own attractiveness that you can build in yourself is a plus for the relationship. I think understanding these things are super important.
36:37 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Well, let me ask you this Do you think that people that are listening, that have been in a relationship for a long time, do they care more about how to still be attractive? Or do the people who are single, maybe ready to mingle, do they care more about how to be attractive? Again, not so much about looks, but, like I'm curious, if you've been married for 10, 15, 20 years, do you care about the level of attractiveness you're putting in front of your partner every day?
37:06 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Because I care about that. Well, to answer your question, I think people who are single care more about being attractive.
37:11 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I think that's a problem.
37:13 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I do, because when you have someone that you are consistently with you, wake up every single day with you, go to sleep with every night, that's the one person you want to be most dynamic around.
37:22 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Well, I think that those people that are together, you have that familiarity, that comfort. I think that's when the negativity comes out more often. I think that's when you start to exercise poor communication skills. Now you're ignoring each other or you're quick to argue or something. That's when maybe it's OK to have a lack of confidence because you put on baby weight and, hey, I'm just not feeling my best, but he's here anyways, he loves me and we've been married for 10 years, not that big of a deal. I think that's when it's maybe OK to I mean, not OK but I think you start to slip into things that are unattractive, like selfishness, dishonesty, close-mindedness, lack of ambition, bad manners Like how many couples do you know that are still practicing good manners and wiping their mouth and not farting in front of each other?
38:15
These things are important when you're in a long-term relationships. Right, dependency? Dependency is so unattractive to me, like there's just things I don't want to do for you. I tell you all the time I'm not your mom. If you want me to make your doctors and your dentists appointments, I'm sorry. Some women are like, yeah, I do that for my husband, that's great, that works for you. I want an element of dependency from you. I don't have a problem cooking dinner for you, doing your laundry, doing all those things. I like to do those things for my household, for my family. But if you want me to be attracted to you as a man, make your own damn dentist appointment.
38:50
Take your own damn self to the doctor Like I can't be your mom, and want to have sex with you at the same time. That's gross 100%.
38:56
I think that it's attractive for women to see that men have a sense of dependency. So one of the things I wasn't really attracted to you when we first got together, you didn't know how to cook and I thought, ok, what did your mother teach you? Did she just expect you were going to find a wife and a wife was going to solve everything for you? That was a big turn off for me, and so I taught you how to cook and you cook well, and so now I can't let you go because you'd be so much better for someone else.
39:25 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right, that's called sunk cost bias, but lots of women feel that way I hope to him learn this skill which makes him more attractive.
39:34 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
now I'll be damned if I'm going to let that go and someone else doesn't have to fix that.
39:39 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right, 100%, and I think I want to slow down because you mentioned something that I think that I want to understand the source of that. So when people are in a long term relationship and they start to exude some of these negative things that make them unattractive, what makes them do that, what makes them go for it? You think it's complacency?
40:02 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
It's complacency, it's like I got it in the bag they're not going anywhere.
40:07
So you're taking it for granted and I think it's a bit of taking your relationship and your love and what you have for granted. And so to add more to that list unreliability. If I can depend on a partner, but think about it, most of our married couple friends are the ones that are like, yeah, he can't do shit, he's not the one, he's not going to do it. He says he's going to do it, he never takes out the trash. So this unreliability is so unattractive. But that is complacency in a relationship Next one.
40:36 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Wait, hold on. I just want to say something. No, no, just kidding, go ahead. But I want to say, could you imagine taking all these things you're talking about?
40:43 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
right.
40:44 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And you take a relationship and let's just say you're not going to do it. The state requires that every six months you have to reapply for your marriage. You have to try it Like. Could you imagine that?
40:58 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I think you should have to do that to become a parent.
41:00 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
But no, but just think about this like how you would approach your marriage if you knew, in order to get another contract in this marriage, you got to perform Okay, so that's the challenge for the listeners right now.
41:12 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
You've been in a relationship for a long term. Let's see how you would rank on this report card. At E-Sing. You have to test like at the DMV to see if your contract for your marriage or your partnership gets re-upped right. Okay, so unreliability on a scale from zero. Zero is what is the scale here, unreliability? You're just whatever I'm gonna run through them.
41:35
So, unreliability, incompatibility in values and interests. So now you know he knows you don't like to golf with him, so you send him with his guy friends. Well, he doesn't like to craft, so you go do that with your friends. And I think you should have separate hobbies. But you gotta have something that you value together. Well, he's a registered Democrat, she's a registered Republican. They can't even talk about politics. Right, he goes to church, she does not. So all of those things eventually, over time, like if there's more and more, I think it's an incompatibility with values and like just the way that you're looking at life, the world, something like that. But interests, I think you should have common interests. Now, not everything has to be the same, but so maybe that one's a little tricky. Here's another one. You get ranked on lack of humor. Well, bitch, you used to laugh when we were dating. Now nothing I say is funny right.
42:26
And I think that you see that oftentimes we go to dinner a lot and we are such huge people watchers, but I'm always watching couples interact and I always tell you you think they're happy. Look at him. He's been on his phone the whole entire time.
42:39 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah.
42:40 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Like, and so we're cautious of that. Like, don't take me on a date and be on your phone the whole time. Right Now I run businesses. I know the things come up, there are emergencies, but for an hour out of your day, like we're on a nice date, don't be on your phone the whole time.
42:55 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, and I think, like when you go to restaurants and you're connecting and like it's almost important that you read something, consume some things. You say I can't wait to talk to my wife about this.
43:06 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
We always try to prepare for our dates to have like things to talk about, but the kids make fun of us because we never don't talk.
43:15 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
43:16 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
We always have something to talk about. So, like I told them for Valentine's Day that I was like reading these, you know cards that for like couples, and they were like mom, you and dad are always talking, and I was like, yeah, but we've been together for so long, we have to be conscious to put forth the effort to continue to have things worth talking about.
43:38 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Right.
43:38 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
So we have stimulating conversations, which I really enjoy. We value each other's perspectives, which I really enjoy, and oftentimes we say to each other well, maybe think about it like this and it's always so helpful.
43:53
So that to me is like incompatibility and values and interests. If you can't have those conversations, let's keep going. Lack of humor. I said dependency. So as a wife or as a husband, now that you've been together for a long time, has the dependency increased? Cause I don't want you depending on me for everything. It's just not attractive. So another thing that you're gonna get maybe your marriage contract gets canceled for bad manners, if you're farting under the covers every night and it's disgusting, I'm sorry, there's nothing attractive about that. Go into the bathroom, you know, if you blow your nose super loud and it's like really flimmy, go into the bathroom and do that. And I don't think I'm being judgy, I just think there's certain things that and I'm trust me I have a girlfriend she's probably listening to this that says I don't even pee with the door open when my husband's there and they've been married 20 years.
44:51
I'm like oh girl, I pee all the time. But if you told me, hey, babe, I'm gonna close the door, give you your privacy, I would pick up on the queue that you didn't wanna be in the bathroom while I was peeing right. Like we respect each other's boundaries. When it's number two right.
45:06
So bad manners, super important Etiquette, please, and thank you. How many couples do you see? They just like lose all their manners. You know you're not considerate, you're not appreciative, you're not thankful, and that's bad. Can I go back to dependency really quick, cause I mean emotional dependency. If you are the parent, that's like I'm gonna tell your dad when he gets home and he's gonna handle this, and then you're losing your mind and the dad has to take care of everything. To me, that's a form of dependency that your wife is mandating from you as a father. Is that attractive to you? Or do you want the wife to take care of it and be like, okay, listen, you're gonna listen to your mom next time, like you shouldn't have to be the one to step in and fight my battles. But let's talk about, like, financial dependency. That's a big one, right, and there's things that people work out, and so these are just things for you to pass the test.
46:00 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
But I think at the root of all this it is a conscious, intentional approach to your relationship. And just like you are conscious in your intentional about when you're single, trying to find a mate, and you're trying to find someone that you're trying to date, like all those things are super intentional, you wear a certain dress, like you are as a man.
46:22 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
You put on your lipstick.
46:24 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
You do certain things that you know. Hey, this is gonna put me in the best light and I think that that has to carry on right. And I think that. But it's interesting because I know that a lot of men and women, when someone gets dressed up and when they put on clothes or they get all done up and they are leaving, some people have a problem with that right.
46:45 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Some people like oh, why are you getting all dressed up? Where are you?
46:47 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
going right, but at the same time, like if you are looking for your partner to be attractive, like they have to want to feel attractive even when they're not with you, and I think that that's the hard thing for people to really swallow and say, hey, not only like if I'm gonna be at my best, I'm gonna be my best outside the house as well as in the house.
47:07 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, so just to kind of finish this list again, if you don't pass this test, then you don't get to stay married. So, lack of ambition did you lose all of the things that you were at some point excited about pursuing? And things change. You don't have to pursue the same thing, but it's very attractive when someone has a goal that's independent of themselves, like I don't need you to bring this to life for me, right. Close-mindedness, unwilling to consider other perspectives Maybe you have a huge intolerance. You're being judgmental. That's bad, right. The next one dishonesty. That's gonna ruin any relationship. So that's a huge red flag. Selfishness, though like showing interest in just oneself versus being empathetic or kind to others or thoughtful of others. Selfishness is bad. Lack of confidence we talked about that. Poor communication skills, negativity I think a lot of marriages they slip into a lot of these bad habits, negativity being one of them.
48:13 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And lack of hygiene. But I think that the poison to that is that Negativity. Gossiping, all those things are also habitual, so they become this habit in the relationship. Yeah and and I don't think that people realize that they they think that they're finding Connection through that, but they're deteriorating their attractiveness at the same time.
48:34
I hate gossip, right, but I think but people connect with it, yeah, when like it's a form of connection is real, it could be felt, but at the same time it's something that over time can wear, wear down a relationship so significantly.
48:48 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I think with lack of hygiene. I just want to throw in that's also like regular grooming. Like you know, do you get bikini waxing still, or you're like, ah, he doesn't really care about that. I mean ask him if he doesn't, because you might not pass the test and then you don't get a re-up on your contract for marriage.
49:04 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I think it's a rule of thumb. That's something that you know will probably be a plus, but will be awkward for someone to have to tell you to do. You should just take care of yeah cuz I have a guy say hey, can you, can you clean things up down there? It's not a fun conversation.
49:25 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I can't even imagine how mortifying that would be right. But but you know how many men are in a relationship that are like.
49:31 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I just wish she would just kind of like.
49:33 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
You know, oh god, that is straight things up down, breaking to think that you wouldn't have the courage to say that to the woman. You would only complain to your friends about it.
49:42 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Oh yeah, I mean like, for example, like I use um, what is it called? Manscape, you know just to make sure my things are fresh, fresh.
49:51 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Thank god for that. I'm five yeah.
49:53 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, I live an active lifestyle. So I want to be fresh, but you know how many women wish they men would like freshen things up and keep it, keep it, you know, nice and tidy you should plug that, because I think they need ball deodorant.
50:06 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I'm, if I was a guy and I had balls, I would want ball deodorant.
50:10 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, absolutely. But like those are things I think that you think about me say I want I want my partner to just always seem in my best light, and but I also think that when you were talking about and we were both kind of on our same list about like being mission driven, going after things like I think that we heard this and Esther Perel talked about this is Having the ability to see your partner in their best light. Yeah right when they're doing the thing that they do best at right, whether it be their career or whatever, it is right.
50:40
Maybe it's a hobby that they're really Spectacular at, like there's so many things that you're great at that. When I see you do it and just like wow, my wife is freaking amazing. Oh, she doesn't, whether it's a bracelet of business or whatever.
50:54 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Well, the funny thing is is like so this podcast, esther Perel, asks the host you know when was the last time you were drawn to your girlfriend? And he had to think about it. And he's like, when I saw her in her element, she was at work, she was doing this, she does breath work, maybe teaches yoga class or something. And she's, you know, in her element. Everyone's like mesmerized by what?
51:18
she has to say, and it's just seeing your partner in a different light than you normally do. So she may come home, kick off her shoes now she's got to cook dinner, take care of kids, whatever the you know, whatever the situation is. But being able to see your partner do their best, especially like at work or in your element, is Hard, because I don't work with you, yeah, I don't go to work with you, right? So how would I know if people like you as a boss? How would I know if they speak highly of you? So every now and then I go into your job and I I'm interested what people have to say about you. Luckily, they always report amazing things. We love Eddie. I'm like, yeah, me too.
51:57 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
And so it makes me proud. Right, this should be like a day that you can bring your spouse to work. This is what I do, also, you should have moments where you can.
52:06 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
It's not a brag, but it's a humble brag. You know, like you should see when I'm at my best, like how I perform, how I can cap, captivate an audience or close a deal or whatever it is that you do, I think coming home and having stimulating conversation about like something that you got recognized for at work.
52:25
Things that people compliment you on, like all of that's part of good conversation, right, yeah? And so to kind of like wrap it up like some of the things that I think that this is a list of things I think we do to try to keep the attraction going, because I think it's difficult sometimes, like if you take your eye off of trying to be attractive or trying to be Desirable for your partner. Like I had told you years ago, like my goal is to be irreplaceable, mm-hmm, good luck finding another me right like it's just not gonna happen.
52:56
Like there are tons of women out there, but are they gonna have the deep intellectual conversations that I have with you? Are they gonna bear their soul? Are they gonna make sure that you're taking care of? Like I told you, today I made a really great dinner today breakfast, lunch and dinner and I was like what would your life be if you like? Yeah, I didn't feed you these delicious foods.
53:16 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Lacking nutrition.
53:17 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Right and you could be fat now to shape because I don't know what you'd be eating without me, but you're, you're welcome but you know, so we laugh at that stuff all the time.
53:26
So this is kind of my list and then you throw in what you think. But I think emotional connections a big thing for us and that's open communication. We share all of our feelings and like thoughts, experiences in a day. I think that the longer we're together the more vulnerable we are with each other. Like you know all of, like my intimate, you know it's curities and vice versa. Um, I think we're active listening is part of emotional connection appreciation and gratitude, and I think that today I told you like I need you to be better at active listening.
53:59
Yeah there's been a couple times where I've pointed something out to you and then five minutes later You're like oh yeah, wasn't that where I'm like motherfucker? I just said that, like you're literally not paying attention to me, and so I told her. I said it shows a lack of emotional connection when you are not paying attention to me right and you pinky promise that she would work on that right, so there next thing is intellectual engagement.
54:23
So we're pursuing interests together, but we also have pursuing. We are also pursuing interests apart. So dependency and independence, I think, have to simultaneously be things that we're always focused on.
54:35 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, it just kind of say the easy ways Stay getting smart, like study things, like learn different things that Allow you to talk about different various topics. Yeah, if your topics are always the same and I get there are certain things that I think that you know. You're always gonna talk about your kids. You know whatever, but I do think that Introducing different topics like hey, honey, I learned this thing today, or I ran across this podcast or this video and I want to know what you think and now we could talk about it and we can explore each other's minds.
55:08
Yeah because you think that even after 20 years, I don't, I still don't know you completely, like I know you, but I, like I'm constantly trying to know what goes on in your brain.
55:18 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Well, also, I would say the bulk tell me if I'm wrong. 90% of our conversations are things that I learned or experienced today While you were not around, right. And then we have conversation and dialogue around that. The other day it was about a podcast. You know, most days it's about a podcast, a book, something that I've attended, a conference, of course, like something where we're sharing, right. And so I recently got my brother-in-law, mitchell, on Some books and he's been like, okay, you're three for three, like, give me another one. And so I referred, or I recommended, matthew McConaughey's green lights for him, right. Why? Because he could use a little perspective shift, right. And so he texts me sis, this is the best book. Oh, my god, I love it. You know, it's so great I'm already halfway through it. I said, well, make sure that you're sharing it with my sister, like when you go home. This is a great way to spark conversation, especially around things like perspective shifts and the way you view the world and like things like that you got to grow with your partner.
56:18
Right so I talked to my sister like four days later and I was like, oh yeah, did Mitchell tell you? And she goes no, that motherfucker didn't tell me anything. I don't know anything about this book You're talking about. I'm like, what do you guys talk about? And so again, mitchell talked to my sister about the stuff that you're learning. But I think that intellectual engagement is really important for a relationship. The next one's physical attraction, like self-care touch. I mean, do you hold hands, do you kiss, are you cuddly? Is there a physical connection that you have? And if not, can you reignite that passion? But I think we're always holding hands, we hold hands in the car, like these are things we're actively trying to consciously do to keep that passion there right. And self-care we already talked about that get some baldy, odorant, surprise and variety. So occasionally surprise your partner with a new look or a small gift novelty can spark attraction right.
57:15 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Oh, a new looks. I just saved my beard off.
57:17 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Don't do that, I just like I'm. You want me to get a bob? What?
57:23 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
if.
57:23 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I cut off all my hair. We should be happy with that.
57:26 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
You're probably great, you would not like it.
57:29 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Always say that you like long hair. Yeah, okay, next one quality time, so date nights. Date nights is something we never did when we had younger kids. Yeah, just never did it yeah we never went on free date nights, we never went to books, we never went for coffee, we didn't. You know, we didn't do that until the kids were older, because I think we were time-starved and also we were pretty broke when we first got married.
57:54
Yeah, but date nights are good. Shared goals and dreams. Personal growth we already kind of hammered that home. Self-improvement. And then individual interests. Number six emotional Support and kindness. Like are you there for each other? Do you think that your partner, you could tell them anything like what it strengthened your bond, or are there things you have to hide from them?
58:15 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, and I think that this is the thing when I talk to different, just different friends and stuff like that, like I don't know if they Feel that they can be extremely vulnerable, I think that men struggle with this the most right because I think that their version of how I stay attractive is to be the manly man.
58:36
Yeah to to be the, you know, exude masculinity. Not get too far into my feelings, right, like there has to be this differentiator of like. I do this with my emotions and it's more manly, you do something more feminine. And that's how this all works.
58:52
Yeah but I do think that Having that level of vulnerability is brings you closer. Now I don't think that you would find me attractive if I was crying every day, right and like you know, sitting in a corner whimpering about all the different things that may happen in life, but I do think that you may appreciate that I show emotions when that you know they they're most needed.
59:14
Yes right, and so I think that that's super important. So I think that we've touched on a ton of things that I think hopefully you're listening to this and you're like, okay, I can work on this in my relationship, or I can keep this in mind as I get into relationship and I deepen my, my bond with my partner, or if I'm single, maybe these are the things that are impacting me and I'll just tell you, like a lot of things we talked about here, they're just about building value in yourself, right? If you want to be more attractive to an employer, if you want to be a more attractive in a business deal Like these are the things that you want to make sure you're you're focused on.
59:53 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, and you know there's a great card game. As Sarah Perrell, she's one of the best relationship therapists that we have found online. She's got Ted talks. She's On every podcast. We're trying to get her on our podcast. We have this card game. Is it the this one? Where should we begin?
01:00:11 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, where should we?
01:00:12 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
begin and there are cards in there that ask really intimate questions that I think if you went on a fun date night and you wanted to, you know, enhance your intimacy or connection, emotional connection with your partner, I think that put a couple of those cards in your back pocket and talk about them. I don't know why you pulled it out, like during the holidays, when we had caught like a couple, like other people here and you were asking some really deep, like vulnerable conversations, like questions, and I was like I don't talk about this shit, oh yeah company here.
01:00:45
Why is he doing this? And no one was answering you, like everyone was, like I was kind of a vulnerable question.
01:00:52 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Well, I don't think it was because it's vulnerable. I think it was because the questions will require you to think a little bit deeper about past situations yourself, and so I think that they're really great to Deepen your abond, because you will probably Communicate something that you've never communicated to someone before yeah and I think sharing that can bring a level of closeness.
01:01:15 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
So so an example is a risk I took that completely changed my life was oh that's a good one, right? I would love to show blank who I've become good one right, yeah, who would you choose that?
01:01:30 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Well, we're not doing that.
01:01:31 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Oh, now you know what I'm talking about, but I'll link it in the show notes so that way, if you guys are interested, you can go buy this game, because I think that keeping a relationship exciting and fresh is is work right, and Also we have to put a little work into making to make sure that we are putting our best foot forward, especially if you've been with a partner for 10 or 15 years or 20 years.
01:01:58 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Maybe you start off I mean, maybe it's in beginning relationship.
01:02:01 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
You just start to like, hey, let's, let's build this bond around yeah, I think I'm gonna put a report card together, so make sure you go to the show notes of this episode if you're listening to it on Apple podcast, and I want you to just do the little assessment and be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you are showing up as your best self or if your marriage license should be revoked.
01:02:22 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
It's like tryouts all over again. Are you gonna make the team?
01:02:25 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, I like that.
01:02:26 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah.
01:02:27 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
I'm all about meritocracy.
01:02:28 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
Yeah, I say no union.
01:02:31 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
You ain't got no union.
01:02:33 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
You gotta put in the work. You either get terminated or you advance 100%.
01:02:37 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
Yeah, so I want to promote you, honey.
01:02:39 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
All right. Well, I think you're great awesome.
01:02:41 - Janelle Copeland (Host)
All right, love you guys. No, I love you.
01:02:43 - Edward. Copeland (Host)
I love you, we'll see you guys in the next episode push through.